Why Do I Keep Dating the Wrong Person?
Are you wondering why you may keep dating addicts, cheaters, unavailable men/women? Feel free to pick your poison. Or maybe you simply keep landing in a situation that feels eerily familiar? You may have even wondered, am I self-sabotaging?
You know and have intellectually registered or rationalized that whatever dynamic or action you keep falling into is not okay. You’ve gone over this with yourself, your friends, your therapist, anyone that will stop and listen but you can't seem to stop landing in similar places as before. These similar places could be a range of things from relationships, friendships, work, career, and family dynamics, you name it. You may wonder, why does this always happen to me? Does life hate me? It must, you think. Well let me tell you, it does not hate you and that’s a fact. So what does happen? Well, usually one or two things happen:
We undermine the weight and influence past dynamics have on our current way of being
We forget the importance of our body's role in healing wounding and patterns
In the following paragraphs we’ll go over these two important factors when it comes to some common dilemmas like, why do I keep dating cheaters? Why do I keep dating the wrong person? Why do I keep dating emotionally unavailable guys? And even, why do we self-sabotage?
How to change behavior patterns
As I mentioned above, many times we diminish the weight and influence past dynamics have on our current way of being. Thinking of the conflicts we may be going through as isolated events is many times what leads us to stay stuck in a puddle of suffering. We’ve all experienced moments of being completely stuck to the point where we don't even question why something may be happening or how we may have contributed to the problem. At some point we may start to notice that this state keeps us in a loop of blame where we may feel as if life keeps being unfair to us. We may feel as if we are getting dragged by the riptides of life instead of being an active participant in our life. This state where we feel like victims of life or of someone else's actions usually contributes in keeping us away from understanding that our behavior and tendencies thus who we mingle with, our actions, our thoughts are many times part of a much larger dynamic.
We might’ve simply missed or not questioned our actions and behaviors which many times lead us to not really pay attention to our tendencies, thoughts, and overall beliefs or what we stand for. Understanding and doing the work to familiarize ourselves with our tendencies is crucial when hoping or needing to stop certain behavior. The good news is if you are googling this odds are you may be on your journey of getting to know yourself at a deeper level as well as unravel many of the beliefs you've been operating under. Uncovering and untangling this larger dynamic may bring you closer to intellectually understanding what is happening and even find solutions as to how you could change certain aspects of the problem.
Working with our body
Of course, knowing and being clear on what we may want and not want is an important step in stopping unwanted behavior but intellectually knowing something may not always be enough to stop unwanted behaviors. Just think about all the things you intellectually know or that your brain rationally knows, like the consequences of eating lots of processed foods or those moments where we swear our partner or friend hates us. We may be ready to jump ship just to come to find out we misread a gesture or text. According to Irene Lyon, a somatic practitioner, 80% of the information our brain receives comes from our body, that means what we’re feeling and perceiving is largely based on the information our senses pick up around us. This means that the way we constantly look out into the world can tell us a lot about the state our body may be in. For example, are you constantly paranoid as you move through the world? Are you constantly on alert as to not get taken advantage of? Or maybe your energy is constantly depleted and leaves you feeling constantly hopeless. These signs may be great indicators that in order to experience more of what we want like love, true friendship, and self-love we must practice being in more states of safety like hope, peace, and tranquility in order to build the capacity to hold these amazing things life has to offer.
As you might have guessed this is not a one and done process. This means that simply knowing information won't cut it. Uncovering limiting beliefs and working with our body in order to help it be in a state of safety is something that will change our life and start changing who we’ve come to know ourselves to be. It will change the way we look at the world as well as change how we walk through the world. The good news is that only in this way will we be able to truly see and appreciate the beauty in ourselves, in others, and in the world.
